Karen Liebenguth is an Executive Coach and Mindfulness Trainer at the Lloyd’s Wellbeing Centre.
Karen Liebenguth has been a life and executive coach and mindfulness trainer for 15 years. She lives in London and sees clients in person at the Lloyd’s Wellbeing Centre, outdoors while walking in Victoria Park, East London, and online. She enjoys teaching people how to train their minds to reduce stress and anxiety, to better emotionally self-regulate, and to live calmer, happier lives with a better sense of mental well-being.
In early 2024, Karen will be leading a series of talks at the Lloyd’s Wellbeing Centre all about managing stress.
In this blog post, she explores social anxiety during the festive period, equipping you with the tools and techniques to manage your anxiety levels and enjoy Christmas events with less stress.
How to Deal with Social Anxiety During the Christmas Season
With all its parties and work events, the Christmas season can be challenging. For many of us, it comes with an increase in social anxiety₁. However, there are techniques that you can use to help you manage your anxiety and enjoy the festivities to the full.
It’s important to remember that social anxiety is normal and a fundamentally human emotion. Regardless of our age, many of us experience social anxiety, including those who generally enjoy the company of others.
Social anxiety can also be a contradictory experience: whilst we often want to connect with others (and suffer from FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out – if we don’t go to an event), at the same time, we often dread big social situations and want to hide away and stay at home!
Understanding Social Anxiety
Social anxiety comes from evolution – it’s hard-wired into our brains.
Natural selection designed us to care – to care a lot – about what other people think. During evolution, those who were liked, looked up to, and respected would have been more effective gene propagators than people who were disliked or who earnt less respect. In a hunter-gatherer village, your neighbours would have had a vast database of your behaviours, so you would be unlikely to do anything that drastically changed their opinion of you – for better or worse. In this period, social gatherings would not typically have been high-pressure events.
However, in today’s modern world, we often find ourselves in the unnatural position of meeting someone who knows little or nothing about us. This can create pressure and cause us anxiety about whether or not we will be liked, accepted, approved of, or met with kindness, friendliness, and openness.
However, the good news is that we now know from neuroscience that the brain is plastic, meaning that it can change. This means that we don’t have to be in the grip of social anxiety and let it stop us from being involved in social events forever. After all, we are all social beings who want to belong.
Furthermore, it’s helpful to remember that it is not the anxiety that is the problem but our reaction to it: we can direct a harsh and critical attitude towards ourselves. This is because when we experience anxiety or fear, we don’t like it – so we try to resist it and harden ourselves against it, all in an effort to get rid of it. In reality, this only makes it worse. As a consequence of our efforts, we end up disconnecting from ourselves, we don’t like ourselves very much, and we often feel that everyone else is having a good time but us. This can create feelings of separation and loneliness right in the midst of a social event.
In these moments, it’s crucial to remember our common humanity – that you are not the only one experiencing these emotions and that others feel this way, too.
How Social Anxiety Can Proliferate
Your work Christmas party is coming up, and you don’t want to go ₂. You’re worried about not knowing how to make small talk, finding yourself on your own while others are having a good time, or having to make conversation with your boss… That’s your actual, direct experience, and you can’t do very much about it. It’s called primary experience.
Unfortunately, we often cause ourselves extra unnecessary anxiety by following that experience up with various thoughts, emotions and judgements. For example, “I’m no good at small talk; people will find me boring”. Or, “I’m such an introvert, people won’t like me because I won’t be able to join in the banter”, “What if I find myself with my boss and I don’t know what to say?” or even, “Everyone else will be able to tell that I’m feeling awkward”. The list goes on.
These kinds of reactions can proliferate and escalate. One thought leads to another and another, which leads to more feelings and more judgements. Before you know it, you’re drowning in a sea of despair and heightened anxiety! This is called secondary experience. So, how can you deal with this?
You Can Choose How to Respond to Social Anxiety
Recognise that you don’t have to cope with all the extra negative thoughts and feelings your mind has come up with. You might still feel anxious and nervous about the work Christmas party, which you may experience as unpleasant and uncomfortable – but that’s all.
Our reactions are not usually conscious but automatic and habitual. By contrast, our responses are conscious, chosen, and creative.
When we become aware that our feelings of inadequacy and anxiety are not actually caused by the Christmas party or social event itself but by our own personal reaction to it, then choice becomes possible. Shall I allow myself to feel anxious and inadequate as usual, or could I choose to respond differently?
Here are 10 top tips to help you manage your social anxiety and enjoy yourself₃:
- Notice your feelings:
When a social event comes up, notice feelings of anxiety when they arise. Remember: it’s not the anxiety that is the problem, but how you respond to it. Acknowledge the feeling of dread, fear, or unease with kindness instead of beating yourself up about it, which will only create more anxiety (secondary experience) and make you feel worse. For example, you could say to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious about going to this Christmas party. It’s normal and human. Other people feel like this.”
- Prepare a plan ₄:
Prepare for social events by knowing who will be present and what to expect. This can help reduce uncertainty and anxiety.
Have a plan for how long you’ll stay at an event. Knowing that you have an exit strategy can provide a sense of control.
- Gradual exposure:
Gradually expose yourself to social situations that make you feel anxious. Begin with smaller gatherings and work your way up to larger ones.
The more you practice, the more comfortable and at ease you will feel over time.
- Practice relaxation:
Pausing, slowing down, and using meditation and mindfulness exercises can help you stay calm in a social situation ₅. Take a few moments to focus on your breath and relax your body before and during social events. See my short and free guided mindfulness practices.
- Challenge negative, habitual, and reactive thoughts:
Identify and challenge habitual thoughts (secondary experience) that contribute to your social anxiety. Ask yourself if your worries and concerns are based on facts – are they actually true? – or if they’re mind-made assumptions and stories.
Take a breath, and create some space in which you can choose how to respond and see more clearly what’s actually going on in the present moment.
- Set realistic expectations:
Understand that social interactions don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is flawless, and it’s okay to feel anxious and nervous.
Focus on enjoying the moment rather than striving for perfection.
- Bring a support person:
If possible, bring a trusted colleague or friend to social events with whom you can touch base during the event. Having someone you trust by your side can provide emotional support.
- Take the initiative:
See who is at the event that you might like to speak to. Taking the initiative to approach someone at a social event can be hugely connecting and enjoyable! And remember, the person that you muster the courage to approach will most likely feel grateful to you for reaching out.
- Self-care:
Prioritise self-care during the festive season.
Avoid overindulging in alcohol or caffeine, as these substances can exacerbate anxiety.
Set an intention to sleep enough, eat well, and exercise regularly. You don’t have to be strict or deprive yourself of anything. Moderation and self-kindness are key here.
- Practise assertiveness:
Learn to assert your needs and boundaries. It’s okay to decline invitations or take breaks when you need them.
Share your feelings and needs with others clearly and honestly. They’ll understand – everyone feels anxious and in need of a break sometimes.
Remember: It’s okay to feel anxious. It’s human. However, social anxiety does not have to stop us from taking part in events and enjoying ourselves and time with others. Applying these strategies, tools, and exercises, as well as seeking support from friends, family, or a coach, can make a significant difference. Social events can be meaningful opportunities for learning, personal growth, and connection.
Wishing you an enjoyable festive season at work, with your family, and celebrating with friends.
Keep an eye out for more information coming soon about Karen’s upcoming series of talks at the Lloyd’s Wellbeing Centre all about managing stress.
