Stress: What Is It and Why Do We Feel It?

The beginning of the year can be a difficult time for many of us. Some of us have set New Year’s Resolutions and have already given up, and some of us simply find the first months of the year challenging. By nature, we tend to focus on the negative – on what we haven’t done or achieved – letting the small victories pass us by. This can cause us unnecessary stress and anxiety. In the coming months, I will be giving three talks at the Lloyds’ Wellbeing Centre (see dates and details at the end of this blog post). I’ll be talking about the different aspects of stress, sharing practical and neuroscientific insights into what stress is, and exploring how stress arises in the mind and how you can learn how to manage stressful situations better.

Stress is the body’s nonspecific response to any demand or change, and it’s intrinsic to life – in just the same way as joy and happiness are. We’re all unique and different, so we experience stress differently. Depending on our personality type and conditioning, what is stressful for some may not be experienced as stressful for others. Stress also affects the whole body, as you’ll probably be aware of! It affects our breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, digestive system, energy levels, quality of sleep, mood, state of mind, concentration, outlook on life, and overall sense of well-being.

In life, we tend to focus on the difficult stuff. It’s called the negativity bias, and it comes from evolution. When we humans lived out in the wild, we needed to be on the lookout for dangers and risks to our survival at all times, including wild animals and hostile tribes. However, we often still react, feel, and behave like a sabre-tooth tiger is lurking just around the next corner! The good news? The brain is plastic, and it can change – we can train it to shift away from specific default tendencies that aren’t helpful, such as distraction, irritability, reactivity, snappiness, stress, or overwhelm. We can train our attention to better serve us when we need it most.

The power of choice

I want to focus on how we react and respond to stressful situations and look at how we can become more resilient. What is resilience? It’s our capacity to bounce back from adversity. Easier said than done, you might think! After all, as I mentioned above, stressful things happen to all of us in life, and stress has the potential to define us – how we live, feel, and manage our day-to-day. But we can make choices about how we deal with it.

In this blog post, I’m sharing how you can respond to stress in ways that diminish rather than heighten negative feelings. My practical Stress First Aid Kit is something you can have to hand at all times, ready for when difficult moments come up. How stress can proliferate You might judge yourself harshly because you’ve already given up on your intentions for this year, you’re having difficulty communicating with a colleague, an important meeting’s coming up, you’re stressed about a deadline, or you might feel low because you’re giving yourself a hard time about something you said or did that you didn’t like. That’s your actual, direct experience, and you can’t do very much about it. It’s called primary experience. Unfortunately, we often cause ourselves extra unnecessary stress by following that experience up with various thoughts, emotions, and judgements.

For example, imagine you’re feeling under pressure because you have a deadline to meet. You might think: “I’ll never get it done on time. Why do I have to do this? It’s not fair!”. These thoughts might be accompanied by feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, and resentment, as well as judgements such as: “This job is too much” (judgement about the job) or “I’m useless at this, I’m not good enough” (judgement about the self).

These kinds of reactions can proliferate and escalate. One thought leads to others, leading to more feelings and more judgements. Before you know it, you’re drowning in a sea of despair! This is called secondary experience. How do you deal with this? You can choose how to respond to stress Recognise that you don’t have to cope with all the extra negative thoughts and feelings your mind has come up with. You might still be under pressure to hit the deadline, which you may experience as unpleasant, but that’s all. Our reactions are not usually conscious but automatic and habitual. By contrast, our responses are conscious, chosen, and creative.

When we become aware that our feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and anxiety are not actually caused by the deadline but that they are our own personal reaction to it, then choice becomes possible. Shall I allow myself to feel anxious, stressed, and inadequate as usual, or shall I respond differently?

Use these steps to deal with everyday stress

Tip: Write this four-step Stress First Aid Kit on a piece of paper and stick it in your pocket, or jot it down on your phone. That way, you’ll have it with you at all times.

Notice when something is causing you stress

Look for and notice symptoms in your body, such as tensing in your belly and shoulders, an increased heartbeat, frustration, irritability, or compulsive thinking.

Catch it early

Stress reactions can speed up and fire off very quickly.

Stop and come back to your senses

This may mean you need to stop what you’re doing and do something else. Stop working at your computer. Stop overthinking when you need to make a decision. Pause, bring your attention to your breath and body, notice your feet on the ground, notice your legs and belly, and take three conscious, slightly longer breaths.

Be kind to yourself

Bring a kind, open, curious attitude to your experience. Allow yourself to be human. Remember: we all experience difficult and unpleasant situations. You are not alone.

You’ll notice in step 4 that self-kindness is one of the keys to reducing stress and increasing resilience. When we become more aware of our habitual reactions, we often don’t like what we notice and tend to judge ourselves harshly. This adds more unnecessary stress. Bringing kindness to our experience helps us avoid getting caught up in negative thinking and emotions. Self-kindness helps us to become more emotionally robust and resilient. Being kind means being caring, supportive, encouraging, friendly, and honest. It’s the very attitude you would bring to a friend.

The Stress First Aid Kit is an immediate antidote to anxiety and stress. Try it out.

If you’d like to practise the above four steps with others and train your mind and heart, why not join my fortnightly 35-minute mindful meditation session in the Private Dining Room, in the Lloyd’s building? It’s open to all, whether you are new to mindful meditation or a regular practitioner. The next session takes place on 27th February from 8.00 to 8.35am. Book your spot here.

Remember: Life is an exploration, and we only have this one life. The good news is that change is possible for each one of us (read my blog post “Navigating Change with Ease: How to Embrace the Unknown”). Knowing this can give you the courage to commit to yourself and your life. It will help you make better choices that will bring you wellbeing, peace of mind, contentment, and more satisfying relationships.

Don’t let another year pass by without doing what matters most to you. You can start every day.

Details of Karen’s Upcoming Talks at the Lloyd’s Wellbeing Centre

About Karen Liebenguth

Karen is a life and executive coach and a mindfulness trainer who works with leaders, managers, and teams. She offers coaching, mindful meditation, and conflict resolution in person at the Lloyd’s Wellbeing Centre, in the Lloyd’s building.

For the past 16 years, she’s worked with private and corporate clients to bring about personal and professional development.

She specialises in working with people in natural settings, and her approach focuses on creating time and space for clients to reflect on their purpose and values, their inner life – feelings, triggers, fixed beliefs, biases, motivations, and impulses – actions, mindsets, and attitudes.

Karen is a member of the Association for Coaching and the British Association for Mindfulness Based Approaches (BAMBA).